Your Horoscope for Today
by nurielle
Summary: o voldemort, the pipes are calling Horcrux! Harry's gotta catch them all harry does divination homework,
1. Horoscope for Today

Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter or weird al. I wish I did, but I don't.

* * *

Harry and Ron groaned as they headed up the ladder to Divination class. Their professor had asked them once again to do a chart, predicting the future for a whole month. Harry and Ron had sat together late into the night in the common room trying to come up with predictions that they hadn't used yet. Needless to say, they weren't making much progress, until Harry got a good idea… 

Harry sat timidly in his seat around the round table as Ron crashed into a chair. They glanced around them, looking for a sign of their professor. She made her entrance by the fire, her lacy shawls floating behind her, the flickering flames dancing mystically on the wall behind her. "Today, class, we have a special prediction sheet, created by Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasly. Please come forward and give your predictions." Their professor's voice was misty from excitement. She had always thought that those two boys didn't have the Inner Sight, but they had been proving her wrong.

Harry stood up. "Now I know that this wasn't what you wanted, Professor, but we thought it would be a better idea."

"Instead of being selfish, we created a horoscope for one week for all the signs," Ron continued.

"And, we put it into song!" The professor gasped.

"Please! Give us your predictions!"

Harry and Ron drew in a deep breath and let it out and began their song…

_Aquarius!_

_There's travel in your future when your tongue_

_freezes to the back of a speeding bus,_

_Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing_

_Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day._

_Pieces!_

_Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola Virus_

_You are the true lord of the dance,_

_No matter what those idiots at work say_

_Aries!_

_The look on your face will be priceless_

_when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon_

_Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,_

_And give a hickey to Meryl Streep._

_Taurus!_

_You will never find true happiness,_

_What you gonna do, cry about it?_

_The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,_

_do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep._

_That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_Gemini!_

_Your birthday party will be ruined once again,_

_by your explosive flatulence,_

_Your love life will run into trouble_

_when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest._

_Cancer!_

_The position of Jupiter says that you should spend_

_the rest of the week face down in the mud,_

_Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose_

_while taking your driving test._

_Leo!_

_Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt_

_and staple it to your bosses face, oh no,_

_Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding_

_and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick_

_Virgo!_

_All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent,_

_EXCEPT FOR YOU!_

_Expect a big surprise today,_

_when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick._

_That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_Now you may find it inconceivable_

_or at the very least a bit unlikely,_

_that the relative position of the_

_planets and the stars could have_

_a special deep significance_

_or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,_

_But let me give you my assurance_

_that these forecasts and predictions,_

_are all based on solid scientific documented evidence,_

_so you would have to be some kind of moron,_

_not to realize that every single one_

_of them is absolutely true, Where was I?_

_Libra!_

_A big promotion is just around the corner,_

_for someone much more talented than you!_

_Laughter is the very best medicine,_

_remember that when your appendix bursts next week._

_Scorpio!_

_Get ready for an unexpected trip when_

_you fall screaming from an open window,_

_Work a little bit harder on improving_

_your low self esteem, you stupid freak._

_Sagittarius!_

_All your friends are laughing behind your back, "Kill Them..."_

_Take down all the naked pictures of_

_Ernest Borgiene you've got hanging in your den._

_Capricorn!_

_The stars say you're a exciting and wonderful person,_

_but you know they're lying,_

_If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows_

_and never, never, never, never, never, leave my house again_

_That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay_

_That's your horoscope for today_

Their Divination teacher clapped her hands together. "Terrific! A+ for bother of you."

Harry and Ron climbed down the ladder, chuckling silently to themselves. "You think she'll ever figure it out?"

"Nah. She's not that smart."


	2. Gotta Catch'em All

Disclaimer: I don't own

Horcrux- Gotta Catch them All!

I wanna be the very best  
like no one ever was  
To catch them is my real test  
To defeat them is my cause

I will travel across the land  
searching far and wide  
Each horcrux to understand  
the power that's inside

Voldemort! its you and me  
I know its my destiny,  
Dumbledore! Oh you're my best friend  
in a world we must defend  
Friends! a heart so true  
Our courage will pull us through,

You teach me and I'll teach you,  
Horcrux! gotta catch'em all

Every challenge along the way  
with courage I will face.  
I will battle every day  
to claim my rightful place.  
Come with me,  
the time is right,  
there's no better team.  
Arm in arm we'll win the fight!  
It's always been our dream!


	3. O Voldemort, the Pipes are Calling

Disclaimer: …

O Voldemort, the pipes, the pipes are calling…

"Good, eh?" said Ron happily.

"Brilliant," said Harry.

"It's so brave of them," sighed Hermione admiringly. "If they were found…"

"Well, they keep on the move, don't they?" said Ron. "Like us."

"But did you hear what Fred said?" asked Harry excitedly; now the broadcast was over, his thoughts turned again toward his all-consuming obsession. "He's abroad! He's still looking for the Wand, I knew it!"

"Harry-"

"Come on, Hermione, why are you so determined not to admit it? Vol-"

"HARRY, NO!"

"-demort's after the Elder Wand!"

"The name's Taboo!" Ron bellowed, leaping to his feet as a loud crack sounded outside the tent. "I told you, Harry, I told you, we can't say it anymore- we've got to put the protection back around us- quickly- it's how they find-"

But Ron stopped talking, and Harry knew why. The Sneakoscope on the table had lit up and begun to spin; they could hear voices coming nearer and nearer: rough, excited voices. Ron pulled the Deluminator out of his pocket and clicked it: Their lamps went out.

"Come out of there with the hands up!" came a rasping voice through the darkness. "We know you're in there! You've got half a dozen wands pointing at you and we don't care who we curse!"

Harry looked around at the other two, now mere outlines in the darkness. He saw Hermione point to herself and back at Ron and him while shaking her head for them to keep silent. Unknown hands dragged Harry roughly off the ground. Before he could stop them, someone had rummaged through his pockets and removed the blackthorn wand. Four or five blurred shapes of people wrestled Ron and Hermione to the ground.

"Get- off- her!" Ron shouted. There was the unmistakable sound of knuckles hitting flesh: Ron grunted in pain and Hermione screamed, "No! Leave him alone, leave him alone!"

"Your boyfriend's going to have worse than that done to him if he's on my list," said the horribly familiar, rasping voice. "Delicious girl… What a treat… I do enjoy the softness of the skin…"

"The'ole lot of'em look like they could still be 'ogwarts age-" said Scabior.

"We left," said Ron.

"Left, 'ave you ginger?" said Scabior. "And you decided to go camping? And you thought, just for a laugh, you'd use the Dark Lord's name?"

"Not a laugh," Ron said quickly. "An accident."

"Of course it wasn't an accident," Hermione said suddenly. "It was completely on purpose. The Dark Lord hasn't any songs written about him. All successful leaders have songs written about them. Like… Merlin!"

"Like Merlin?" Scabior looked disbelieving. "If you've written a song, then let's hear it."

"Fine.

O Voldemort, the pipes, the pipes are calling  
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side  
The summer's gone and all the roses falling  
It's you, It's you, who rule the countryside

And never ye lose when summer's in the meadow  
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow  
For we'll be here with no mudbloods in our midst  
Oh Voldemort, oh Voldemort, I love you so

But when ye come and all the flow'rs are dying  
If I am dead, as dead I well may be  
Ye'll come and find the place where I am lying  
And bury my body into the cold hard ground

And I shall hear though soft you tread above me  
And all my grave will warmer, sweeter be  
For you rule our country most grandly

You'll need a heir, and I will glad provide."

Silence, and then … "Alright, bind them up with the other two prisoners!"


	4. Harry of the Stick

Disclaimer: I don't own (the speech below is taken from Order of the Stick)

It is the final battle, and the light troops are gathered together and ready to go fight. Their leader, Harry Potter, is asked to give a speech…

"Friends, Hogwartians, countrymen, lend me your ears. Not literally, because ewwww. I mean, that would be disgusting. And messy. And since you'd just be lending them, we'd have to figure out how to reattach them all, and that would be a lot of work.

Today we stand here, preparing to defend this place from the forces of evil. And probably chaos, too. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. And sisters. Definitely also sisters, they are part of the band too. I think they play the drums…

A day may come when the courage of men (and women) fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. And if the battle lasts through tomorrow, it's not that day either. It may or may not be the day after that, I'm not too sure. Still too early to tell.

But in case it's not that day, or it is that day, but the battle is already over so it doesn't matter, I want you to remember this: No one ever won a war by dying for their country. They won by making the other guy die for his country. Which still applies even though Voldemort's hobgoblins don't live in countries. They live in caves, I think. So make them die for their caves. Which admittedly, sounds a lot less heroic than dying for your country. But today will be the day when the Light declared in one voice, 'We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!' And the fact it rhymes does not make it any less true. We'll stand here together and tell our enemies that they make take our lives… BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!!!

Unless, unless they kill us, then animate our dead corpses as zombies to fight for them. Then I'll suppose they've taken our lives AND our freedom."

A silence permeated the air as everyone stared in horrified fascination at their "leader." A sob broke the silence, and Harry stared around him in surprise and uneasy.

"FiGhT, fIgHt, FiGhT…" He sang to the crowd then gave up and ran away, dodging arrows, spells, and the occasional cat.


	5. ApAtUrE mAgIc

Disclaimer: I don't own Portal or the song. Check out VG Cats if you want the video. Also available on youtube.

Voldemort has taken over the wizarding world. The Ministry of Magic is under his control, as are the major towns. Hogwarts is the only free area, housing the last free light wizards, a large number of people who together create an army of terrifying power and efficiency. They plot, day in and day out to come up with the perfect plan to defeat Voldemort once and for all. What they don't know is that Voldemort too has plans for their defeat, and that he uses their captured families and friends to test his new weapon. Many have tried and failed to survive the challenging course, only to find Voldemort takes the cake every time. While waiting for his last test subject, Harry Potter to awake and begin the course, Voldemort thinks back to his previous test subject, Hermione Granger, and decides to sing a song for her, and her ultimate failure to get her (Cauldron) Cake. Here is his song:

This was a triumph  
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS  
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction  
Aperture Magic  
We do what we must  
Because we can  
For the good of all of us  
Except the ones who are dead  
But there's no sense crying over every mistake  
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake  
And the Magic gets done  
And you make a neat gun  
For the people who are still alive  
I'm not even angry  
I'm being so sincere right now  
Even though you broke my heart  
And killed me  
And tore me to pieces  
And threw every piece into a fire  
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!  
Now these points of data make a beautiful line  
And we're out of beta  
We're releasing on time  
And I'm GLaD. I got burned  
Think of all the things we learned  
For the people who are still alive  
Go ahead and leave me  
I think I prefer to stay inside  
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you  
Maybe Harry Potter  
THAT WAS A JOKE  
HAHA. FAT CHANCE  
Anyway, this cake great  
It's so delicious and moist  
Look at me still talking  
When there's Magic to do  
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you  
I've experiments to run  
There is research to be done  
On the people who are still alive  
And believe me I am still alive  
I'm doing Magic and I'm still alive  
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive  
While you're dying I'll be still alive  
And when you're dead I will be still alive  
STILL ALIVE

Please review. Any suggestions are welcome.


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